visit.

I do not usually write posts describing my day or personal experiences (that aren’t poetry), but I felt in my heart that this needed to be shared. I hope this may help another or reach someone in some way. Because deep down, I believe we all share that common desire, to touch another heart.

My father passed when I was a teenager. I haven’t visited his site, in quite some time. And the guilt of it had been lurking. The entire drive there, felt like an out-of-body experience.

I wasn’t whole. I felt broken. And kept breaking.

I can easily cry, over a sappy movie ending, cute animals, babies, a good cheeseburger… you name it. And I have no problem with anyone seeing me in that state.

However, I despise being seen in such a state of vulnerability. I can’t even face myself. Not when it comes to something like this. My mind felt like it was in a fog. And the idea of not having visited the last place his body touched the Earth, haunted me.

However, today was the perfect day to do so. You know how sometimes, you can feel the electricity and energy in the air? It was everywhere today. Storm clouds were brewing as the sun simultaneously shone on everyone’s skin, caressing them just a bit. Showing us that spring was upon us, yet before everything is to come to full bloom, there had to be a final torrent… of emotion, of the cold, of all the weight of the things we must come to let go of, otherwise they remain in the recesses of our being… gnawing at our conscience.

I believe we all want to be free. And our spirit yearns to feel at peace.

As I got near, I felt his presence. I kneeled on the ground before me. I looked to the sky above me. Touched the Earth beneath me. And closed my eyes. And imagined him. He always looks exactly the same… youthful, wearing blue jeans and white button down shirt. Nothing fancy, but nothing to sneeze at either. Hair gently combed back and big, happy cheeks.

I felt his embrace. We have met in dreams many times, but this was long awaited. I opened my eyes, and hoped for an Earthly acknowledgement.

Two geese passed by. On our very last trip together, we spent a picturesque dusk, feeding geese together. He emphasized on the importance of all living beings and how we were here to nurture one another. God, I missed him so much. But nothing physical remains.

As I walked by and looked at other tombstones, I noticed the times in between birth and death. Who knew why we are ordained the time we are given? Each life is a gift. Each soul with a purpose. Our gifts that we are given and meant to pass on. It all comes from love. A passion for what we love. The people whom we love.

How can we acknowledge those whom we love? How can we remember without only feeling sorrow? The answer is to honor their memory, as best as you can. It is so easy to fall into anger, thrive on negativity… but when a spirit departs, its pain is no longer a void that remains. We meld into the otherworldly. Into places where we collide with the light of the stars.

You, are still alive and have a purpose to fulfill. Love which remains to be given and received, so beautifully. It is absolutely reasonable to be totally human and feel every emotion. We all succumb to these from time to time, again and again. Everything changes. However, the only thing that ever truly stays, is the love we feel. The love we have learned. And the love we leave behind. This is the power of love.

The day ended in sun showers. The storm cloud that had governed most of the sky dissipated. And it rained, a lush, gentle sweep over every living thing and then the sun blazed with all its glory.

I cannot possibly explain just how beautiful this transition was… It was more than anything, comforting. As if the timing of your life was beyond random coincidence, and in the larger scope, harmony.

 

Photography: Desmond Steiner, “Fear No More”

grief.

Death.

The most feared, most final and absolute certainty in existence. We all know that it is a route we cannot avoid. It’s something we all face and endure with those whom we love.

There is nothing like losing a person you love. Whether its sudden or happening over a period of time, nothing on Earth can prepare one for the vacuum in which loss feels like.

Some days, feel great.

You remember to remember everything you love and the memories you carry about the person whom you lost from your life. But there are days, that are darker. Days where nothing can console you. Not even the warmth from the tears that fall upon your cheek, grazing the curves of your face. You can feel your loved one beside you. And you know they feel it too. And you think, perhaps its better this way. They are happy and void of pain. But, you are left with the pain that consumes you. The aching of a wound that resurfaces when you are alone.

A pain that harbors a grief, never ending. There are so many days when I remember you with joy and love. Yet, I cannot deny, that there are days where it feels like yesterday. And I’m a young girl reliving you departing from Earth again. Watching you slip and being powerless in stopping it.

Grief feels like looking out a window into a stormy, night sky. Like endless rain, rustling trees and lightning striking my core. Leaving me breathless.

I know you are on the other side of pain, but one cannot help that they are here, and you are there… and when I called your name, only then could silence feel so loud.

I wait for sleep… sleep to traverse in dreams, in hopes of reuniting with you… even if the moment is brief. Some nights, it works. And some nights, I don’t hear from you. Can you hear me?

Your presence now, speaks through other people. Through synchronicities. Through pictures that surface, and bring back lovely memories. I will continue to love you more everyday. Until I see you again. Perhaps, that is the miracle of death. That no matter how immense the pain, the love remains eternal. And time is just a margin between Earth and the otherworldly.